It has now been just under, just over, or exactly seven months (depending on when you read this) since I quit smoking. I can still identify cigarette brands and strengths based on smell, even while in traffic just catching a whiff on a breeze. I have joined a gym, and have almost stopped hating life. I have been doing mostly treadmill, just trying to get some wind back in my sails and I have made tremendous progress, or so I thought, until the first time I got on an elliptical trainer. I got to the gym very early and it was just me and a woman who was probably in her 50’s. She was on the Elliptical when I got there, and after I had done 30 minutes on the treadmill, I figured I would give it a shot. After all how hard could it be? She had been going for over half an hour, and had been on the phone for the last 15 minutes. Four minutes in, I had a stitch in my side. Two minutes later I was huffing and puffing like I had just set the World Record for the Boston Marathon. At the nine minute mark, I was begging for the sweet relief that death would surely bring. At ten minutes, I had to quit, the woman had to help me to my car, and it looked like Mathew Modine carrying Vincent Dinofrio on the running scene in Full Metal Jacket. This is just a warning for all you people that have weight loss as a New Years Resolution: Avoid the Elliptical machines like the Black Plague.

If you want to read more of my ramblings, pick up Red Shtick Magazine, its available just about everywhere free magazines are available. Its all parody and comedy, basically its 225 without all the ads.